At Their Mercy
I've made a lot of money in the past three years selling real estate. I mean, a LOT of money.
I made more money on my last house in two years than I made working at the job I bought the house for.
The funny thing is, I don't know jack about real estate.
I was sitting at a baseball game yesterday when my realtor called me. He rambled off about 500 different words in realtor-speak before I stopped him and said "So what exactly do I have to do?"
"Nothing," he replied.
"Well done Jeremy," I said, and went and bought a hot dog.
The most money I have every committed to anything in my life is about to be spent and I haven't a f'ing clue what's going on. That's not to say that I didn't try. I try to read everything, ask annoying questions and generally be a nuisance. But when you're selling a house and buying another the next day, they honestly don't want you involved in the process. My realtor in Virginia Beach has the complete power to do just about anything in my name for 24 hours on Thursday. Hopefully, she uses this power for good, and not evil.
Then, this disembodied voice that I only know as "Carrie" (oddly enough, the name of the realtor who sold me my FIRST house) will take that money and transmit to another disembodied woman named "Linda" (oddly enough, the name of the first person I kissed in the back of my friend Terry's car) who then squeezes a large amount of fees out of it, and gives it to the owners of the home I'm buying (that I'm NOT allowed to talk to until the closing even though I really want to know why they won't fix the toilet) in which case they then give me the keys to the house, but legally (in the state of Washington) not until 9pm that evening if they should choose (so they can use the broken toilet, if they wish).
Phew. What the hell was that?
Oh yeah, and somewhere in there Jeremy will take a lot of money from the broken toilet people and then no longer pretend to be my friend.
I hate buying and selling houses. However, the process these days is really easier than buying a slurpee. You point to the house you want, and say "buy it". Close your eyes, sign every piece of paper put in front of you (this could be in the thousands) and within about 1 month, it's yours.
We put a lot of trust in realtors and mortgage companies. If they should ever rise against us, we'd never see it coming.
I ate my hot dog in peace, knowing I would never be able to afford an $8 hot dog again.
I made more money on my last house in two years than I made working at the job I bought the house for.
The funny thing is, I don't know jack about real estate.
I was sitting at a baseball game yesterday when my realtor called me. He rambled off about 500 different words in realtor-speak before I stopped him and said "So what exactly do I have to do?"
"Nothing," he replied.
"Well done Jeremy," I said, and went and bought a hot dog.
The most money I have every committed to anything in my life is about to be spent and I haven't a f'ing clue what's going on. That's not to say that I didn't try. I try to read everything, ask annoying questions and generally be a nuisance. But when you're selling a house and buying another the next day, they honestly don't want you involved in the process. My realtor in Virginia Beach has the complete power to do just about anything in my name for 24 hours on Thursday. Hopefully, she uses this power for good, and not evil.
Then, this disembodied voice that I only know as "Carrie" (oddly enough, the name of the realtor who sold me my FIRST house) will take that money and transmit to another disembodied woman named "Linda" (oddly enough, the name of the first person I kissed in the back of my friend Terry's car) who then squeezes a large amount of fees out of it, and gives it to the owners of the home I'm buying (that I'm NOT allowed to talk to until the closing even though I really want to know why they won't fix the toilet) in which case they then give me the keys to the house, but legally (in the state of Washington) not until 9pm that evening if they should choose (so they can use the broken toilet, if they wish).
Phew. What the hell was that?
Oh yeah, and somewhere in there Jeremy will take a lot of money from the broken toilet people and then no longer pretend to be my friend.
I hate buying and selling houses. However, the process these days is really easier than buying a slurpee. You point to the house you want, and say "buy it". Close your eyes, sign every piece of paper put in front of you (this could be in the thousands) and within about 1 month, it's yours.
We put a lot of trust in realtors and mortgage companies. If they should ever rise against us, we'd never see it coming.
I ate my hot dog in peace, knowing I would never be able to afford an $8 hot dog again.
posted by Mkae at
8:35 PM
6 Comments:
Heh, we audition company assigned real estate agents tomorrow. By the end of the day we should hear the suggestions for pricing this house. I'm very curious.
How many days was your house in VB on the market before you got offers?
By
Tom, at 9:32 PM
Here's kind of how we did it.
Figure out how much you expect to pay in your new city for a home. Figure out 20% of that figure. That's how much you want to put down on the new house to avoid paying PMI (mortgage insurance).
Decide how much you'd like to have in pocket to get things rolling in your next house.
Then figure out how much you'll have to pay your realtor for selling yourself. Usually 6% but you can negotiate it down to 5%.
So your equation is:
How much you owe + in pocket + 20% of new house.
Then, figure out 6% of that sum and add that to your equation.
Then add about $10,000 because it's a seller's market and you're contributing to the downfall of the American economy.
That's it!
By
Mkae, at 9:45 PM
Oops, missed the last part. It sold on the second day.
Here's another tip. Put it up on Friday but state that you'll be reviewing offers on Sunday at 5pm. This allows you to get multiple offers. Some will have competing clauses and such.
Also, if you have multiple offers, you don't have to repair everything that comes up during the inspection. It's a seller's market. Slip the new buyers $500 and tell them to do it themselves. take it or leave it.
By
Mkae, at 9:48 PM
I don't know why you say you don't know jack about real estate. It sounds like you have all the essentials down.
By
Major Rakal, at 4:26 PM
What's funny is that my wife read all of that, and called me to yell at me for paying $8 for a hot dog.
By
Mkae, at 9:22 PM
Ronda, your name sounds like a James Bond girl.
Mark, how many people did you kiss in the back of Terry's car? Was this all in one night? Etc.
By
thisismarcus, at 10:50 AM
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