I'm Considering Turning Evil

Yep. You read that right. I seriously considering the alternative. As near as I can tell, the pay is better, the benefits rock, and who's to say how awful the afterlife would really be?

I think I have always been on the side of good. I have given up seats on the bus for old women. I've returned found money. I always lecture the bad guy about virtue after foiling their latest scheme.

But you know, I'm just tired of it all. And it's all my stupid lawn's fault.

When we moved to the upper Northwest, I must have been bitten by the "tree hugger" bug. I have a VERY small lawn, and I decided that I probably didn't need a big lawn mower. A small one should have been sufficient. So I looked around and found one of those "non-powered" whirling blade of death grass cutters like they used in the 50's before modern inventions like pretty much anything that makes men lazy.

I asked some friends about it (they claimed to have one) and said they worked great. They highly recommended it on their personal honor. (fuckers) That right proves that I was on the wrong side of the "good vs. evil" equation. So I spent $70 on this thing. I worked pretty well, and I even made a blog entry about it because I felt good having done the GOOD thing. I only had to mow a couple of times and it worked ok, even though it required going over the same spot roughly a dozen times. "I'm saving trees," I thought even though I was still killing grass.

This year, I haul out the death chopper and try to cut the high grass. This is roughly akin to shaving your 3-day old beard with a slice of bologna. It actually isn't, but that's all I got. Anyway, it sucked. And continued to suck. Neighbors came out and patted me on the back asking how work was going. Someone dropped off a bag of clothes for the kids. PBS called and offered ME money. It was embarassing.

Finally, my wife said "just go buy a mower". "But...the trees....". BUY A GODDAMN MOWER!! Evil was definitely getting the upper hand.

So I go to Home Depot looking for this $169 mower. It's not self-propelled but does have a bagger which means I can't leave clippings on the yard. The cheapest was $139 with no bag and about .5 horsepower which means it can comb your hair. Sort of. Anyway, of course there's a huge hole in the shelf where this mower should be. There are lots of "death choppers" I should point out. Evil is winning. The sales guy, we'll call him "Brad" which works because his name was "Brad" says they have 20 of those mowers and he'll go find them. In the meantime, I end up selling FOR HOME DEPOT 2 $100 Black and Decker Grasshog trimmers by recommending them to guys who were staring blankly at the display. See, I told you I was on the side of good.

Then I noticed something. Home Depot is running a special. If I spend $199 on a mower, I get a $25 gift certificate. The next highest model from the $169 is $199. That means with the rebate, I get $25 back so I get a mower with 2 more HP for only $5 more. Not bad. Brad comes back with no mower in hand and I say "hey...I changed my mind on that...if I just". Brad interrupts. "Here, I'll just give you the $199 mower for $169. I'll deal with the boss tomorrow. I can't get to those 20 right now and it's not worth my time.

So now here's the dilemma. Do I follow the path of honesty and righteousness and tell him how he SHOULD be trying to upsell me to the higher model for the rebate? They'd get a couple more bucks but great customer satisfaction. Or, do I take the higher priced mower for the $169 and score the additional $$? What would Chuck Norris do???

I took my new $199 mower home and was $169 lighter in the wallet. Brad was none the wiser. I took the path most taken, that being of raging, horrible evil. I expect empires to crumble now that I have taken the first step. Once I have an evil lair (with nicely cut grass and nary a tree in sight) you'll all bow down before me.

By the way, the above book is an excellent way to start. It's printed on paper. Bwahahahahaha!!