Coming Soon To the $5 Bin Near You

The video game to motion picture junk heap is about to get a bit bigger.

I frequently review movies before they come out (or before they're made) just based on the things I read or the things I perceive. Sometimes, we're treated to truly frightening things like movie trailers that take themsevles seriously or movie posters that look like a first year art student put them together.

Take for example, Bloodrayne. This is based on a popular video game title that features a super-hot chick who's part vampire. Now, I have never played the game but I'm well aware of the character since she's frequently listed on Tech TV as one of the hottest virtual video game characters (I have to start watching better TV.)

So when Cinescape.com listed a news story saying the Bloodrayne trailer was available, I cruised over at DSL speed to check it out.

Oh. My. God.

It's bad enough that this is a video game movie, but the headway the fantasy genre made with The Lord of the Rings is being completely flushed down the toilet. We'll get to the trailer in a minute. Lets look at the poster first. THIS is Bloodrayne?? One of the hottest virtual video game characters? A co-worker went on an on about how good looking Kristanna Loken is but I sure don't see it here. Far be it from me to judge anyone's looks but damn. If she does look better than this, give her a better poster for God's sake.

And look who's in the background of this poster...it's Ben Kingsley! Didn't he win an Oscar for Ghandi? That was obviously a long time ago since he's now slumming in Romania with crap director Uwe Boll. Poor guy. I almost want to pick up a copy of Ghandi and Dave just to get him some residuals.

On to the trailer, which you can see here . The dialogue is a riot. I should point out that after the first trailer went up, a second appeared within a day that was slightly better. However, Michael Madsen as the "powerful leader", Meatloaf Aday (Aday??) in a white powder wig, and Michelle Rodriguez (the "man I wish they would kill that bitch" new character on Lost) are also spotted. There's a very stupid segment where the words "A Uwe Boll Film" are on the side of an ancient looking castle. The voiceover just killed me at the end when it said "Bloodrayne, the adventure begins!" Yawn.

It's hard to say how this film will turn out but with Boll directing I don't have much hope. What is unfortunate, is that films like this can ruin some of the very good storylines that some video games are built upon. Rumor has it that Boll wanted to get his hands on Halo. Thank God that didn't happen.

By the way, speaking of bad video game movies. Get a load of the trailer for Uwe Boll's other crapfest, "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Movie". The cast list on this one is just hysterical. The mighty king is ... wait for it ... Burt Reynolds. I shouted "Turd Ferguson" when I saw him walk on the screen. This one looks so bad it's not even funny. There's a lot of interesting people in here and the obvious LOTR rip-off shots could almost be a drinking game. Too bad John-Rhys Davies is stuck doing crap fantasy films like this now.

Check out Dungeon Siege here.